Guys, I made a mistake. I have a secret. I’d like to take a minute to own up to the mistake, and to tell you something I generally keep to myself.
You might have noticed I haven’t written here in a little bit. That’s because I made a mistake. During a time in my life when I had the energy to write multiple posts per week I committed to writing something positive each Friday. In theory this sounded (and continues to sound) lovely. This was a bad idea for a few reasons:
(1) I no longer have the energy to write multiple posts a week. I was cheery and hopeful that I would be able to maintain that level of energy, but flares or bad spots are inherent to the nature of chronic illness.
(2) Friday is most often my very worst day for fatigue (It’s the end of the week after all).
(3) Because chronic illness is unpredictable, I have trouble meeting timed commitments. It sucks, because that’s not who I am as a person, but it’s the truth.
(4) Lately, for some reason my Fridays in particular have been laden with medical procedures. It’s a little hard (although it might be pretty funny) to write a feel good post when you are coming down off of anesthesia.
Now, when I do have the energy to write I feel compelled to write a themed post because of some stupid rule I created myself. It keeps me from sharing what’s really going on in my life here, which defeats the purpose. Additionally, it’s really hard for me to write a “feel good” post when my heart is breaking at all the hate being expressed in our current society. It’s probably when we need it most, but I can’t just force it the way some people can. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, and I write that way.
So – no more Feel Good Fridays. This doesn’t mean that I won’t write about moments and times in my life and in society that are uplifting, it just means that I’m no longer following an arbitrary rule to do it on Friday, because the alliteration is cute.
Now that I’ve gotten the mistake part off of my chest, I’m going to tell you the secret. The other reason I haven’t been writing: I’m in hibernation.
Sometimes, when the physical pain gets too bad, going out into the world hurts me. Literally. The sunlight that I used to love attacks my eyes and sears my brain. The noises of the outside world are not even interpreted for what they are, they turn straight to pain. Vibrations from each step travel up my legs, through my spine, to my neck and head where they build until walking is no longer bearable.
I handle this by staying in, and sleeping – A LOT. Yesterday I slept until 11:30 AM, then took a four hour nap at 3, and went to sleep around 11. That means that I was awake less than eight hours. It’s not ideal, but I’m not sorry either. Eventually the pain will let up, and I will resume a somewhat normal sleep/wake cycle, but until then, sleep is pretty much my only escape. I’ll take it whenever it’s available. In fact, I think it’s probably about time for a nap.